Why does he do this?

It has been a while since I griped about my husband, OK maybe not too long, but I feel the need to gripe today. It's a little silly but he is driving me insane with this.

OK, everyone here knows I am having a bit of health problems. This is my place to gripe about them. I talk to mom a bit, I talk to hubby when it is really bad and I can't hide it, but really I don't talk about it much to anyone else. I avoid it with my MIL, she just pisses me off. I rarely talk to my SIL about it, she has her own problems with Bug. My children, not so much, except to say I am hurting or not feeling well. I really don't put it out there much.

If I am limping or dragging my leg and I am questioned about it, I throw it off on my leg hurts. If I am dropping everything I touch, I mumble something about my arm or hand hurting, or laugh it off as being a Klutz. If I use the wrong word or lose my train of thought, I laugh it off as I am an idiot. I don't go into long details of how bad I feel, how tired I am, or all my pages of symptoms. (I haven't listed all symptoms here even.) I just don't want to talk about it in public and I hate getting the looks. The "bless your heart" look or the "your a nut" look. I just don't want the attention! That's right!

I. DON'T. WANT. THE. ATTENTION.

Somehow it is different here, you "know" me but you don't "know" me. I can come here (or Plurk), gripe and receive a feel better, a little sympathy, some advice and move on. But in public, with people I see everyday, it is different. Once it is out there, they watch me, they look at me different. Not always in pity, but like they are wondering what is going on.

*Simple explanation to the above statement...... I have fair days, bad days, and worse days. I rarely feel good anymore, I did up until a month or so ago. I used to have days when I felt pretty good all day, not lately. I get up feeling decent and go down all day, or I get up feeling like shit and improve as the day goes on, or I can get up feeling like shit and continue to feel like shit all day. One day it might be my legs that are the worst, another it may be my arms, another it could be my mind that is going, one day it is my eyes that are wonky. It is hard to explain, I hate the "traveling" problems part of it all. But the "traveling" part is the part that gets me a few strange looks. And the fair days and worse days. One day I appear to be fine, another I am barely mobile. People look at me like I am playing a strange little game. I wish it was that. One man actually told my husband, I looked good the day before for someone who was supposed to feel so bad. That is why I just don't want it out.*

Here lays the problem with my husband. At home he can be an ASS about it. As in, "What is wrong with you today?" Not a lot of help on the days that are really bad, except to say, "It will be there when you feel better, no need to do it today." I don't want his sympathy or his pity, but I could do without his asshattery too! But in public, when I am not doing so good, he is Mr. Concerned Husband. Just last night, I was having trouble with my arms and legs and he insisted I go with him to The Pig to get something for supper and over to the store for gas and such. The woman working behind the counter knows I have back problems, so when I came in limping and dragging my leg, she noticed it and asked how I was doing. I started to say, something like, " Oh, same ole same ole." and let it go. Mr. Concerned Husband jumped in and started in with, "She is getting worse and the doctors just aren't worried about it. She has days when she can't get out of the bed and she tells the doctor that she is about the same. One of these days she is going to be bed ridden and maybe the doctor will figure it out then! She is absolutely losing her mind. Just today she was trying to say from the table to the TV and she kept saying from the television to the TV, even when I corrected her, she corrected it by saying, " From the TV to the television." I wish they would figure it out, get her some medicine or something. I don't know what it is, but it is something and the doctors treat her like she is crazy."

It made me feel worse. The store was full and I had people looking at me. Atleast I felt like people were staring at me. I could have crawled under a rock. I felt like he was trying to convince her that something was really wrong. I mean really was that all necessary? Could he not have left off that I am losing my mind?

And hell, I always get out of the bed, I may not feel like it, but I always get up. Someone has to get Little Miss up and off to school. I may end up on the couch for most of the day, but I always get up! So he was making it worse than it was. I wonder if he is looking for the pity sometimes, as in, " Bless his heart, he is so good to take care of her. It must be hard." Or if he is trying to convince himself. He says he believes something is wrong, but sometimes the way he talks or acts, it makes me wonder.

Don't get me wrong, he is good to me, most of the time. He tries to help out on some things. He doesn't expect me to do things when I feel bad. He tries to be sympathetic. Sometimes he falls short, but he tries. He has a tendency to get ill about it when it interferes with something he wants. If he wants sex and I am in pain, if he wants to go and do something and I am not able to, you know interferes with his life. Maybe I am wrong, maybe I am too close to the whole thing. Maybe my feelings are getting in the way. I guess on occasion I get my feelings hurt fairly easy.

But really when/if I find out what it is, I will, of course, tell him. I will tell my parents and I will give my children a name for what has made their life miserable. And for sure I will tell all of you. But I don't know if I will tell others until it becomes necessary/ if it is necessary. I doubt I will even tell my MIL, until I have to/if I have to. She would tell everybody and probably just screw it up. *I mean she is the one who said MS was little more than losing weight. Really she said it wasn't bad, you just lose weight. Dumb ass*. I might would tell my SIL, she does ask how I am doing and shows real interest in what the doctor says. But I don't really want to tell the "world" if I don't have to. I would prefer to share as needed. I used to think I would shout it from the roof tops, but now, I just want a name for it, for me. *OK, I would go straight to my family doctor and sling the diagnosis in his face, just because he thinks it is nothing and I am just requiring attention.* But the rest of the people around, just those who may be affected by it, so it would be just family and close friends.

My parents go to church with a nice lady who has MS and she still insist that I have MS. She has started a support group for people with MS and their family and friends. She really wants me to come to it. She says it will help me to see that I have most of the symptoms of MS and see how they cope with it. That it would show me how they were judged as nuts for years before being diagnosed, to show me I am not alone in the aggravation of not getting answers. So I won't give up looking for the answers and to speak up to the doctors about my symptoms. She says even if I don't have MS, I am welcome because I am putting up with a lot of what they went through.

The doctors treating them for depression, going through test after test that come back fine, having doubts about whether or not they were crazy, the oddity of symptoms, the feeling fine one day and feeling like shit the next, how they deal with the symptoms without medicine. The small tricks they have learned about how to get things done when they are down. She says it will be helpful for me and my family. I don't feel comfortable going. I haven't been diagnosed with MS, in fact, the MS doctor says it isn't MS, but she says it took 2 spinal taps for her to get the diagnosis of MS, the symptoms fit but the MRI wasn't showing it. She says doctors just don't think MS because it shows up different in most patients. The symptoms vary from person to person, the first symptoms vary from patient to patient, and the test aren't always right, it is hard to diagnose, it is more a method of ruling out other conditions and it mimics other more common conditions.

But I would feel like I am intruding, I mean these people have been diagnosed with something. And I couldn't get hubby to go with me. And he really doesn't like to talk about it, kinda like if he can ignore it, it won't get worse. I hate to tell him, but it is getting worse, it is getting harder and harder for me to ignore it. Right now, my hands are killing me and my eyes are getting blurry from sitting here typing and reading all of this. It is really starting to get in the way of things I enjoy. Like reading blogs and writing my own post. Working in my flower garden and decorating my house. Playing with Little Miss and enjoying life. I still can have a good time, I still laugh, I still smile, I still bitch, I do enjoy myself, but it is getting harder to get out and about and just visit with others.

I know Mr. Hubby needs someone to talk to. Someone besides me. I know he talks to his boss man about me. I am a little uncomfortable with it, but I understand he needs someone. He was a perfect choice because he is also my boss, I do clean the office, and it kinda come about when I was down and the office was showing the signs of it. He is fairly close with Mr. Boss man too, so it was natural for him to choose him. So why can't he leave it at that. Why add people at the store and strangers who overhear the conversations.

So am I am being over emotional about it? Does he have the right to share my problems with whoever he sees? Is it helpful to him or is he looking for sympathy or trying to convince himself? Does he think it is somehow helpful to me? And as an added bonus.....Should I check out the support group?

So that's it for now, have a great weekend! Until next time......

HAVE A GREAT DAY AND THANKS FOR VISITING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!